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Blossoming Into Womanhood Alicia was born during times of social change and political unrest. Everything seemed to be in a state of flux; rebellion was in the air, political protests were commonplace, young people were speaking out against the status quo, the effects of the Vietnam War were widespread and unsettling, parents couldn't understand the younger generation and the gulf between them was widening. It felt as if a great wave was sweeping over America and elsewhere and that something mysteriously beautiful would result. People sang peace songs, gave each other the peace sign, let their hair grow and the theme was tune in, turn on and drop out. Drugs were everywhere, rock and roll music blasted from stereos and radios, and love was in the air. Being from basically rural Ohio, I was on the periphery of much of this movement when it was happening. But, like everything that starts on the coasts, it found its way to the Midwest later. Consequently, Alicia was born not long after the hippie wave made its way to Urbana, Ohio. The "seventies" were uncertain but dynamic, rebellious but spiritually freeing, tumultuous but moving, confusing but enlightening, unsettling but idealistic, ugly but magnificent and beautiful. When Alicia was born the world was still reeling from the Vietnam War, the upheaval and protests. Social injustice was being scrutinized, uncovered and ostracized. Hate and prejudice were no longer tolerable by many. Peace and love became the prevailing theme. I was a product of this movement, and through my college coursework in sociology, psychology, philosophy and religion, I became more idealistic and nonconforming. I empathized with the plight of the black people and all oppressed peoples. My own experiences of being victimized and oppressed by an unjust system in which rights and liberties had been stripped helped me to see through the rose-colored glasses to the injustice and prejudices that had been so widely accepted by the status quo. I supported the Women's Movement, progressive thinking politicians, spirituality outside of organized religion, basic freedoms, peace and love instead of war and hate, and a world in which the wealth was shared and poverty erased. I had passion for life and change. But in retrospect, my passion was guided more by emotion than by truth and wisdom. This is potentially dangerous when love (passion) and truth are not working in conjunction with each other for the good of all. "Every one who thinks in any enlightenment can see that love has for an end and intends use, and that it produces use through wisdom; for love cannot produce any use itself, but by the means of wisdom. Use is the containment of wisdom and love…it is evident that these three, the Divine of love, the Divine of wisdom, and the Divine of use, are in the Lord, and that they are the Lord in essence." *DLW 297 Alicia represented new hope for a better world. She was going to make a difference and make it better. We had unveiled the mask that covered the hideous truths of an ailing world, and her generation would continue onward with the torch of justice and freedom. I longed for her to be a seeker of truth and doer of deeds that bespoke love, kindness, goodness, justice and peace. I had been given a glimpse into the ugliness, the blatant deceit, the glaring injustices, the ugliness of hate and evil, and I wanted my children to help make it better. Alicia did just that! Her whole life was guided by principles that were divinely guided. She went through her struggles and hard times. In her journal entry on "Happiness", which I have alluded to in this book, she talked about the struggle to find happiness; fairytale ideals that no longer worked; changing perceptions of what happiness was; and the acceptance of simplistic beauty and innocence as the joy of happiness: the smell of a rose, the sight of a baby, an old couple holding hands. She recognizes the struggle as being essential in finding true happiness. And, she identifies two ingredients for her to achieve happiness: 1) An infinite amount of love to give and receive freely 2) A purpose, goal, destination. These ingredients that she identifies for her own happiness are the essential elements of Divine love and wisdom. Alicia understood clearly that we are a work in progress and that a regenerative process is paramount to our spiritual growth. Alicia's life was love and truth put to use. She touched many lives and continues to do so in her death. Why are the struggle and the pain essential for spiritual growth and happiness? In her journal, Alicia wrestles with this concept and speaks from her own experience. She writes, "those that have known the greatest happiness have opened themselves to the most gut-wrenching sorrow. It's a gamble; you have to play to win. Or maybe those who have endured suffering have a greater respect for joy, can appreciate it wherever they find it…" She goes on to say that if we live our lives in fear and try to avoid the pain and suffering, the struggle, we may not have the capacity for pure joy. I read her words and sit in awe at the profundity of the message and the beauty of her thinking. Alicia lived her truth. What she wrote came from her experience and how she approached life. Perhaps the greatest sin of all is the sin of omission. Once we gain insight into truth, which comes from God, through our love we perform our uses. When we do not act on our understanding of truth, it fails to accomplish its designed purpose. Alicia was on a mission to uncover truth and to do good deeds and acts of kindness from this truth. Her soul was regenerating at a rapid rate while here on earth. It was as if at some level, her soul knew that life would be cut short. Alicia absorbed many of the idealistic hopes and dreams of the seventies. She had lofty ideals, such as, hope, joy, happiness, peace, harmony, non-violence, love, truth, wisdom, justice, equality, brotherly love, compassion, and a world in which all of this existed, not without the effort to achieve them, but because of this effort. Bev and I always looked at her with a deep respect for the person she was and continuously strived to become. Alicia was on a mission to make this world a better place, and she did! God bless her for that. 6/7/02 In the late summer of 1985, we moved from our remote home in the country to an old house in a small town, St. Paris, Ohio. This was our first house that we owned, and it was a twenty-three hundred square feet bungalow style built in the late 1800's. It had a lot of character and underlying beauty, which is another way of saying, it needed a lot of work. But, it became our home for fourteen years and served us well. Alicia was thirteen years old at the time, and was just starting to bloom into early womanhood. She adjusted quite easily and immediately made friends, established herself within the already existing cliques, and sought to make the best of what life had to offer. At the time she was in the band, she played coronet, played summer soccer, sang in the choir, participated in plays, ran track and excelled academically, always maintaining an A average throughout her schooling. The occasional B's would propel her to work harder. Alicia was very astute and achieved many academic and other honors during her seventeen years of formal education. She surprised us with the announcement that she wanted to go out for cheerleading during junior high school. I was not very excited about this since it had a "Sally Pom Pom" connotation and seemed to be based on looks and popularity rather than athleticism and ability. Alicia saw it as a challenge and a way to become involved. She immediately started working on cheers and soon developed her skills to the level needed. Tryouts were held and sure enough, she was selected. I was surprised and proud of her for working so hard to achieve her goal. I knew that she deserved it, and I knew she would work hard to be the best she could be. In the next few years I developed a much deeper respect for cheerleading, the athleticism required, the hard work that went into it, and the commitment needed to excel. Her brief training in gymnastics served her well and she developed into a fine cheerleader. Her social life certainly benefited from this involvement, and she developed some long-lasting friendships that have endured the test of time. Adolescence is a troublesome and exciting time of life. I worked with emotionally disturbed adolescents in a residential treatment program followed by work as a Social Work Therapist for a mental health program within a school program for behavior handicapped youth. I spent nine years in these settings and have the battle scars to prove it. It was extremely challenging, emotionally draining, and mentally exhausting, yet at the same time exciting and challenging. Between these two positions I worked as a teacher in an institution for severely retarded adolescents. I've always had a need to help others and this gave me plenty of opportunities to do so. I remember taking Alicia to work with me on different occasions. I remember the first time she went with me to visit for the day with the mentally retarded youth in an institution that housed several thousand of society's outcasts and forgotten people whose only crime was that they were mentally challenged. Some might question why God would allow such anomalies to exist in such a glorious world as ours. But I could see the presence of God within those grossly distorted bodies and mentally challenged minds. Their childlike innocence and beautiful spirits were a joy to behold. Alicia was only five or six when she came to work with me. The institution that housed the students was deplorable with the smell of urine; feces and disinfectant blended together in a prison-like, lock down facility sparsely adorned with bright colored, plastic, institutional furniture. The distorted echoes of the pre-verbal sounds coming from the kids along with the visual and auditory conditions were completely alien and eerie to the first time visitor. At first, Alicia was cautiously observant, but that soon changed as Petey, a twenty- year old Down Syndrome, non-verbal youth with an IQ of sixteen approached her and immediately took her by the hand. He became her tour guide, protector and friend for the day. Petey was such a delightful person, but ornery as could be and a bit wild at times (in a delightful sort of way). I loved his spirit. He became Alicia's protector, escorted her around the institution and made conversation with his pre-language sounds and rudimentary sign language. When the other kids would come too close, Petey would shield Alicia and make them give her space. Alicia was completely unafraid and seemed to understand her newfound friend's motives and behaviors. Alicia bonded at a soulful level with Petey and the others. She also learned an important lesson on greeting the God within people and not judging people by their handicaps. Alicia had compassion and understanding for her fellow human beings. She continued to develop this throughout her life. 6/17/02 Alicia's high school years were full of achievements and activities. In a memorial service held in her honor at Graham High School near St. Paris, Ohio in February of 2002, her former classmates, teachers, friends and a gymnasium full of family and community members honored Alicia. In a beautiful service put on by students, teachers and friends, student representatives from each of the clubs and organizations in which Alicia was involved presented a rose to us. This included members from: National Honor Society, Student Council and Class Officer, Students Making a Difference, Homecoming Court, Prom Committee, OU History Test, Choir and Musicals, Cheerleading, Service, Christian Athletes, and Champaign County Young Woman of the Year. A beautiful black marble bench was given to the school in her honor with her picture and an inscription quoted from President Bush, "The world will see that the strength of this nation is found in the character and courage of everyday citizens". Alicia was, in many respects, an ordinary citizen but she was also very extraordinary. Therein lies her strength and character, to be accepted by all, yet to excel in all that she attempted. During the service, an exceptional young man, Joseph Hoke, who had lost his older brother in a car crash a few years prior, shared a beautiful poem he had written. The poem is entitled, " The Cry of a Nation". "May
the souls who fell here ascend to Heaven united as one Tell
their families drenched in tears
Let
us not forget Let
us sit here with the fallen Let
us know they are all right Joseph was a junior at Graham High School when he wrote this for this momentous occasion. Alicia's many accomplishments and achievements were done with humility and quiet pride. She never flaunted them and always maintained a sense of humility. Many of her adult friends were not even aware of her high school and college successes. Alicia tried to live her life fully engaged in the moment, with an eye toward the future and a respect for the lessons learned from the past. From an outsider's view, Alicia seemed to have it all together. Life and opportunities unfolded before her and the light shone upon her path. But, behind the scenes, Alicia worked hard with determination and persistence. She enjoyed the challenges life dealt her and she overcame the many obstacles that often bring people down. Some of her writings reflect her struggle. But only a few of us knew the tremendous strength of will and exceptional courage it took on her part to craft the beautiful, insightful, witty, warm-hearted, sincere, honest, joyful, peace-filled, loving, wise and caring woman she manifested so gracefully. Her journey included pain and agony, but this only served to strengthen her resolve and to propel her onward on her journey. On January 12, 1991, Alicia was a senior in high school. Her fifteen-year-old cousin, Gabriel had spent many days and nights with us as a family. He was like a brother to Alicia and well loved by her and all that knew him. On that fateful day, Gabey lost his life in a tragic car accident. He was such a beautiful young man, and the whole community sadly mourned his loss. Alicia decided to sing at his memorial service. Prior to the memorial service and after his death, she had been very stoically quiet and had stifled the tears of agony in her initial stage of shock and disbelief. After a beautiful and moving service lead by a truly spiritual lady and long time friend, Reverend, Doctor Dorothea Harvey, Alicia sang acapella, Amazing Grace. Her presence was that of an angel and she sang with grace and beauty from the depths of her soul. Each note resonated with heartfelt sounds that stirred the soul. There were no dry eyes as she sang the words with such meaning for hope and peace. As she finished, her body started to quiver as the waves of grief flooded her. This much-needed release was truly cathartic allowing her to start the grieving and painful loss of losing a brother-cousin. One year later, on the same date, January 12, 1992, while Alicia was in the midst of her first year of college at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio, her best friend, Verity, (one of her many best friends) was tragically killed in a fiery car crash. Alicia was devastated but trudged on with courage and resolve to uncover the mysteries of life and death. I distinctly remember Alicia struggling to understand why these tragedies were allowed to happen by a loving God. As is common in the grieving process, her belief system was challenged. It's difficult to make sense of such pain and loss, especially when a young, vibrant soul is snatched from life so unexpectedly. Our faith is called into question during these times and a search for understanding becomes a vital quest. It's difficult for any of us to understand especially an eighteen year-old whose world is already flooded with perplexing and emotional changes. At this stage of development, it's normal to question values, morals, belief systems and truths which have been passed down from parents and significant others along the way. When tragedy strikes, as it did with Alicia, the differentiating process was accelerated and accentuated. The search for a belief system, a new paradigm in which to make sense of this crazy world became paramount. During this time in Alicia's life, I saw the seeds of understanding starting to bud and the power of regeneration come to life. She searched for truth beyond the widely accepted beliefs that people find comfort in and oftentimes hide behind. We engaged in many deeply philosophical and theological discussions in which often developed into passionate debate. I feared that she would discount truths that I had come to own as undeniable. She merely wanted to come to truth in her own way, separate from my belief system. She questioned the concept of God and challenged the popular perception of a judging God in the paternal sense. She expanded her concept to include the existence of life-force energy, a power and mystery beyond human comprehension. She believed in love, peace, doing good deeds, charity, justice, equality, truth, joy, free-will, social responsibility, regenerative power, spiritual evolution and more. As life unfolded for her and the struggle challenged her more, I saw a blossoming of spirit that comes to those who are in the light and long for truth. As Swedenborg believed, truth is the greatest good, and love is the highest truth. Alicia was on the path. It was not a narrow path as defined by religious precepts and dogmatic beliefs, but it was a path that God's light shined upon, and one in which love was the defining truth. Alicia was a deep thinker who was on mission to find clarity of understanding and lived her life with love for the neighbor. In retrospect, what I have come to realize is that Alicia was on a concentrated spiritual journey through this life. She achieved a level of wisdom and love that is often witnessed in those souls who have lived a full life in search of enlightenment. In a birthday note written by Alicia in January of 2001, she thanked me for gifts she had received from me which included: my enjoyment of life, my sense of adventure and fun, my open mind and strong will, but most of all, my constant search for enlightenment. She wrote, "you give me hope and courage to knock down walls, to reach inward and acknowledge my weaknesses and move forward into the light." She ended with, "I love you, dad. I love who you are and what you are striving to become. May your years be blessed with peace, truth and love." I cherish those heartfelt words, and more so, I cherish the genuine love and deep respect that prompted her words. Alicia was wise beyond her years and her love was from her beautiful soul. All of us who knew her have been truly blessed by her time with us on this earth. I joyously await the day when we will once again walk together in the great beyond. 7/26/02 In the heart of San Francisco, I sit and ponder the mysteries of life, what was and what could have been. The "city of love" defined by its steep hills, unique architecture, blended ethnicity and ever-present charm will forever be a place that is filled with bittersweet memories of my Sweet Alicia. Just a small town girl in her upbringing she had a strong desire to experience all that life had to offer. San Francisco tugged at her heartstrings and her quest for adventure pulled her westward. In October of 1997, she loaded her red Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible with her most treasured possessions and headed for California. Although content to go it alone, her mother and best friend (one and the same) climbed into her cute but mechanically unsound car, and the adventure began! Bev, Alicia's mom went along because, as parents, we felt a need to help pave the way for our adventuresome, beautiful and somewhat naïve girl. She would have been fine on her own, but we wanted to help insure a safe journey and help her get established. Bev had some time off of work and the two of them had a memory-filled journey that will always be cherished. For her initial solo venture on the road to becoming a woman of sophistication and world traveler, success was awaiting her and life took a turn away from family and old friends. She was totally on her own. As parents, we were a bit apprehensive, and it had nothing to do with her capabilities to handle the onslaught of the world's criminal minds and evildoers. It's a parent thing, to want to protect your children, but Alicia was very headstrong and determined to make it on her own. With no job lined up upon arrival, Alicia had saved enough money to last quite awhile until she landed one. Not to worry, with her wit, charm, education, experience and determination, a job was a minor detail. After all, she had found a place to live (on the Internet), and life would surely accommodate such a vibrant and talented young woman in search of a career. Lo and behold! Within a couple of weeks of arrival, she had submitted eight resumes, had five interviews, and three job offers. She could have flaunted that in my face with "I told you so, dad", but she didn't. She quietly settled into a job with Deutsch Bank in marketing, and immediately established herself as a rising young employee with unlimited potential. Her supervisor, Lyndsey, would soon become her best friend and remain so throughout her short life. I never doubted Alicia's capabilities in anything she undertook. I was always amazed at her level of confidence, astuteness and adaptability. Having supervised young employees for several years, I would certainly have hired her in a minute. She was going to make her mark in this world. All she needed was a sense of direction that would fulfill her insatiable need to make a difference on the road to self-actualization. But it had to be something with meaning and purpose. The corporate world was a stepping stone, but it was not something that provided for her need to help others and make a social impact. For some it is. For Alicia, she needed something more personal, something in which she could utilize her excellent interpersonal skills, and something that would help her self-actualize and lend meaning to her existence. She soon realized that something, somewhere was calling her, and she heeded the call. How many of us really do heed the call that could lead us away from job security and financial stability into an unknown realm of unrealized dreams and questionable financial means? How many of us actually follow our "bliss" and travel down that road less traveled? Alicia was willing to take the risk and realize her dreams. Unbeknownst to her conscious mind but possessing a wisdom that seemed to prevail in her decision making, she knew that life is too short to spend on things that don't lend meaning to your existence and help you to become something greater. Self-actualization is indeed an ongoing process of becoming. Alicia would not be held back for long on her journey. Alicia worked in the corporate world for about three years: Long enough to establish herself as an up-and-coming leader; long enough to develop some meaningful friendships (that never took very long for her); and long enough to realize that something else was calling. The fullness of life would not be denied! I remember her talking with me about her situation in the winter of her discontent, 2000. She had a good job with a marketing firm at the mid-management level. The pay was very attractive, benefits were good and her future was promising. But, she was not happy in her job. The dilemma was that she had a strong sense of responsibility and wasn't sure what exactly she wanted to do. She just knew that life was calling her and her heart beckoned her to go in search of a more meaningful existence. She was at the crossroads and wasn't sure which way to go, with her heart or with her mind. I encouraged her to go in search for that missing something that would bring her heart and mind together, something that would allow her to flourish and grow spiritually and personally. Shortly after that she resigned. She wasn't sure exactly what she wanted but, by process of elimination, she knew what she didn't want. She had expressed a long-time desire to go back to college and teach either high school or college students. I applauded her choice. She would have made an excellent teacher/professor because of her passion for helping others and her deep thinking intelligence. The other factor that influenced her significantly was that she was at the end of a relationship that was draining her energy. I'm sure they were both to blame but for Alicia it was de-spiriting. I saw her resourcefulness and power-base go from an independent, strong, joyous and resourceful woman to one of confusion, doubt and pain. She was in the desert of her journey on her way to the promise land. When she first started in the relationship with this young man whom I knew and liked, I remember telling a minister friend about them. I said, "you can really feel the heat between them". He very astutely said, "yes, but is there light as well". I remember thinking at the time that, perhaps the love was there and the wisdom was lacking. My hope was that they would develop this and grow in fulfillment and happiness. But, it never happened. She was heart-broken and wrote with deep feeling of pain and anguish about this in her journal. I applaud her courage and vision to honestly look at her life, come to reckon with her shortcomings, and strike out in a new direction. Back on the road again. Back on the journey of the heart in search of the light. Alicia had a passion to travel fueled by a curiosity (Curious George was a favorite) and a need to know, a need to experience, a need to reach out and embrace this great big world of ours. People in far away lands with different belief systems, people of different cultures, all peoples were out there awaiting her arrival. They didn't know it yet, but she was on a mission to find them and to discover all the beauty that lay hidden in the remote areas of the world. Her agenda was to learn as much as she could, experience all the joy that life had for her, to spread peace, to right the wrongs of the world and to live in harmonious existence with all of life. Consequently, after breaking off the relationship and resigning her corporate job, she returned home for a brief period (a time that we will always cherish). This was but a stopover and a time to reconnect with loved ones before her next adventure. While at home, she helped out around the house, read several books, enjoyed outdoor activities, such as running, canoeing, biking and hiking with family, and recharged for her impending journey. Opportunity availed itself and Tierra Verde, Florida was calling. My brother-in-law, George, is a pilot and my sister, Jodi, is a flight attendant. They invited Alicia to come down and stay with them while she was regrouping. The appeal of sunny beaches, ocean sails, swimming with the dolphins, new country to be experienced and loving family took her southward. To pay the bills until she gained a sense of direction she worked as a waitress at a local restaurant. There she regained her strength and thought through her next move. She would become a flight attendant, travel the world, and go back to college. She could fit schooling around her flying, take some distant education courses along with traditional courses, finish her degrees while being able to travel and earning an income. It sounded like a good plan to us at the time. Little did we know that this would be the beginning of the end. In the fall of 2000, Alicia was hired by United Airlines. Her training would take place in Chicago, the Windy City, during the cold months of November and December. As with all of her previous experiences, she very competently completed her training with exceptional marks and the respect and admiration of her classmates, many of whom remained friends. She was assigned a position in Boston, to start in January of 2001. Her plan was to stay there until she was able to be re-assigned back to San Francisco or, perhaps, overseas. She sublet her apartment on Guerrero Avenue in San Francisco and retained that option for when the time came to return. Prior to her death on September 11, she had made arrangements to move back home to San Francisco. A flourishing romance with a wonderful young man, Greg, in San Francisco solidified the decision and moved the timeline ahead of schedule. The telephone and e-mail conversations weren't enough in a relationship that had all the heat and light of an equator sun. We had the opportunity to meet Greg at our family vacation spot of many years, the Thousand Islands near Gananoque, Ontario. We picked Alicia and him up at the Syracuse Airport on the way through New York on July 4, 2001. Greg could only stay a few days but, to our delight, Alicia stayed for the full seven days. She left on July 11, exactly two months prior to her death. This would be the last time that we saw her alive. The vivid memories and telling photos taken there are sad reminders of the joy we experienced, with no hope of ever replicating on this earth. We cherish those special times, and it serves as a reminder to live each day as if it may be your last. Live with meaning, love fully and don't get hung up on all of the mundane and meaningless things that obscure and detract. Greg
was heart-broken after September 11. Both he and Alicia had cautiously
entered into this relationship that had been spurred on by Lyndsey, Alicia
and Greg's very good friend. They were falling in love and neither wanted
to admit it. But, the inevitable happened and we were ecstatic. This was
the one, we had commented to each other after seeing them together. There
was heat and light. There was a synergy that could easily be recognized.
And, we started thinking futuristically about things to come but would
not be, like marriage, grandchildren and a lifetime of happiness for both.
They had a lifetime of happiness that ended on September 11. Greg was
mortified. What a wonderful son-in-law he would have been. Since September
11, we've included him in all of our family functions, and he has joined
us in Ohio, Michigan and Montana, as well as San Francisco. We will consider
him our son-in-law as long as he is comfortable with that. When I am with
him I feel his deep and searing pain. We suffer together. And, we heal
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